Another morning, another day. My bro Jeen and I have been sleeping 2 – 3 am each day just lingering on the net. We sleep in the same room together, and I sleep where Vern used to now. I am awake at 830 – 9am each morning, as if sleep isn’t a luxury anymore. Neither Jeen and I have gone back to work. We’re still picking up the pieces, Mum, Dad, Jeen and I.
I do my routine googling of Vern’s name to see if anything new pops up, then the routine round in his facebook and then Vernie’s old and latest photos. Every morning when I wake, I wish I had woken up from THAT bad dream, but no, I’m still stuck in it. I sometimes have this stubborn, nagging sensation in my heart that OOH, some doctors made a mistake! Vern is actually still alive! They’ve found him! Then that drop back to reality that No, Vern’s never coming back, Sue.
Another blog post by Vern’s close friend, Zoe Ng, found on http://chunkyfunkymunky.blogspot.com.
BY ZOE NG
When I think about you , my heart breaks all over again . The pain never dulls . It’s always like a fresh new wound , burning away at the inside of my chest . I can almost hear it , the sound of it crushing and ripping to little fragment and tiny shreds . Sometimes , it feels like it’s expanding , getting ready to explode inside my body . Sometimes , I wish it would do exactly that . Just so I don’t have to go on thinking about you , wishing and hoping , yearning and regretting , wondering and questioning . I wished I had been more sincere , more loving . I wish I appreciated you more and gone to Penang to see you when I could’ve .
I should have .
People keep saying that you’re in a better place now and that everything happened for a reason , but screw that shit . I don’t want to listen to that . I’m very sure you are , but I don’t want to hear . I don’t want to listen . I know it already , they don’t have to tell me again and again and again . It doesn’t make anything any better . It doesn’t change the fact that there’s an empty space : the place where I held you close to my heart . There’s no one that could fill that space again , because it was only for you , just like Terry has his own space that no one else could fill , and Bryan , and Vonn , and Sof , and Meg and all those precious to me that I’ve kept so close to my heart .
I miss you so much , vernie . I cannot use words to describe the sadness I feel . You were precious to many . You were something so Valuable . Which is where the nickname Vernables came from . Vern + Valuable . I don’t remember if I told you that , but that’s what it meant .
You were like family to a lot of us .
I’m happy . I’m happy because I only remember good things about you . That there was never anything bad to remember about you . Tell you the truth , that’s the way I want to remember you . That’s the way you’ll stay to me . Amazing .
You left behind a lot of people , Vernie . Left us behind and made us sad . But I’m glad sadness is not the only thing you left behind . You left behind lots of smiles and laughter , memories worth keeping and sunshine . You shone bright and rocked hard and you’ve taught us to cherish life and friendship . You’ve made us realise how important it is to love big with sincerity and to appreciate people while you have them .
Terry said we were supposed to grow old together ; Supposed to see our grandchildren play together in the yard . It was supposed to be that way . Julian said he thought we’d live forever and I thought so too . I think we all did , for it certainly felt that way , but I guess we’re not so invincible after all .
There are so many more things I have to say , so many things I want to show you . I was going to show you my new hair and have you grunt your approval . I was going to tell you about all teh things Roanne told me even though she told me not to tell you because I knew they would make you–and her–happy . I was going to make you show me your bike so I could ooh and ahhh at it and you could brag about how much you knew about bikes and your modifications . I would’ve listened . How could I not have ? I was going to take millions of pictures with you because I thought you looked so cool with your new rocker looking hair . I was going to tell you I missed you and I was going to squish you . I really was looking forward to that .
Someone told me that hope is what makes things hurt so badly . And I understand . I was hoping you’d come back so I could do all those things . But now I can’t . No one can . When Terry told you to come back in one piece , he should’ve been more speciafic and told you to come back in one piece and still breathing .
I miss you .
Posted at: 9:03 PM
I miss you , Vern . So so so much . I do .
I miss you .
The way you smile and laugh and brush your hair back from your face and blow at yourself to make yourself feel cooler . Or the way you flap around in your flip flops and talk about riding your moto and being chased by mat rempits . The way you always smell like infant gel or the Victoria’s Secret perfume section . The way you pretend to think you’re not hot , when you know you are .
I hope you knew I cherished you so much as a friend , and that I love you very much .
Vernie . I still need you here . You can’t be gone .
You can’t be .
I can’t make myself say goodbye yet .
Come back… Please ?