Good Grief

I havent been as diligently updating my blog for the past few days. The current mood rating is “low” and “despairing”. Its been 17 days since Vern left, and life is moving on with that slow ‘chug chug chug’ of its engines and I find myself back at work today.

I am currently reading “Grieving the loss of someone you love” by Raymond Mitsch, PhD and Lynn Brookside. Its a Daily devotional I found in Salvation bookstore. I have been to Salvation and Evangel twice in the last week. And I got at least 6 books, which are currently being spread around my family. There was one particular favourite called “One Minute After you Die” – author I cant remember now (only because the book has been bagged by first my Mum then now my Dad). Everyone gets to read it halfway before someone else snatches it up.

Last night I left home in PJ to go back to Ronnie’s place which I have been staying at for the past 6 months. Before I left last night, I grabbed a book called “How did we get the Bible” – meant to explain the foundations of the Bible.

Jeen said to me “Hey why do you always take the good ones?”

I said” There is a whole stack of books there Jeen, go check it out”

Jeen goes through the stack and does a little manly pout. “I still want that one”.

So I relented and said…”Okay, okay, I shall take the “Grieving the loss of someone you love” then.”

I haven’t stayed at Ronnie’s since Vern’s incident, except for 1 night and last night. Both nights were extremely emotional nights for me – I cry in sudden intervals. So last night I was crying again and I was so glad that Jeen made me take the other book “Grieving the loss of someone you love” because it really made me feel so much better. God works in the littlest mysterious ways, doesn’t he?

The emotional outputs I faced in Ronnie’s place didnt happen when I was staying at home.

This could be because of 2 reasons:

1. I painfully recall the terrible trauma of the phonecall and chaos that ensued here when my Mum called to tell me about Vern’s accident and that he was in the ICU. I was at Ronnie’s and in bed at 2.30am.

2. The fact that I was away from my other family members made me feel very lonely, despite Ronnie being next to me.

There are alot of unexplainable emotions going on upstairs (in my head) – something like how you can’t really explain your moods during your PMS! Like the books said “There are 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Sorrow

5. Acceptance

And, each individual faces these stages in different ways and also, these 5 items may not be in these sequence and may be mixed up at any one time. I dont think I have been in the bargaining stage much but I remember childishly promising God I would go to Church every week again on the way to Penang, if he saved my little brother. That was the only bargaining I attempted – lame indeed.

I have received numerous comments, notes and wishes on my blog – I read everyone of them and yes, they do much to lift the spirits, so I profusely thank you! Also, if you are reading this, thank you for coming here and for your continuous even if silent support.

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