Hi all, thank you for your comments and really, its great to have people finally taking time to say something to me after all my ranting…..
While I have lately turned back to God in the past 2 months, I’ve started by going to Church every week and planning on starting Cell soon and subsequently introductory Bible Study – I am most guilty of feeling sometimes divided. I am NOT angry at God for taking Vern away so soon as if it was some sort of punishment. Most times, God finds a way to comfort me when I start to feel sad (this usually takes place when I’m alone or in the car). This is to say I’m just feeling my way around now – I cannot call myself a knowledgeable Christian. I hope God leads me to people who can and will guide me.
What most people dont know is how strong a person needs to be after the traumatic experience of being woken up in bed at 3am with the news that your youngest brother is in the ICU coughing up blood. The subsequent rush to Penang by car was the worst ever journey we ever had to make, only to be stopped halfway with the phonecall that says “Sorry, your brother didnt make it”
THEN going to the Mortuary driving in the pelting rain trying to make it in time before they begin the autopsy, and seeing your little brother lifeless – although his body was still warm, covered in blood splattered sheets. I could go on in detail about his physical condition, but I think I’d spare you the graphics.
You would have to be really really strong in your faith to not question God with the eternal WHY? WHY GOD WHY??? Why so cruelly God? WHY? WHY to the innocent? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????
In your grief, won’t you ask why? Would you grieve in the first place? Or would you have a party – since your brother has indeed ascended to heaven? I dont think I am that strong of Christian as yet. Hopefully soon God will open the way for me in the way he knows best.
I am swinging like a pendulum between questioning God and taking everything as his divine purpose for Vern’s life – and each one of our lives AND that God loves us and wants us to grow close to him again. After my tears, I sometimes smile thinking that all was God’s design for us – and it worked – it brought us back to him and perhaps some other people who have known Vern – and that through Vern maybe other lives have been touched.