Missing Yu Vern

This is record breaking!

2 posts in a day….not seen since i was pregnant and bored and doing nothing but sleeping my days away…..

I feel compelled to blog again because I found that there are STILL people searching online for ‘lim yu vern death’ or ‘lim yu vern accident’ or ‘lim yu vern’ – leading them to my blog. Its been 2 years and counting…

Up til the past year, I would still get people searching for ‘lim yu vern’ reports and on his accident. Today there were many searches for this. Well Vernie…Jie Jie hasnt written about you in a long time, yet people still remember.

Missing you Vern!

Qing Ming

I dont know what the fuss is all about. of course, that’s very un-chinese of me. And of course disgustingly un-fillial of me.

Anyway, I just took the opportunity under the Qing Ming (or Ching Beng) season to visit Vernie’s gravesite. Not really a gravesite, more like his body’s final resting place. Of course, I am 100% sure his soul is not hovering about there, just his bones. His soul is having a great time in heaven.

I havent visited Vern’s place for a while now, more than a year. I also missed his last memorial on May 30th, 2010 as I was in Australia. It was last Sunday afternoon I decided to ‘drop in’ all by myself, all alone. I guess that it was a poor day to choose to go to visit – the heat was scorching and among the sweat were the tears.

I found myself tearing already as I parked the car and had to hold them back as I bought some flowers. I guess the grief had slipped away from the surface but remains ensconced within. Its easy to go from day to day not thinking about loved ones who have gone to heaven. Its easy going from day to day doing your ‘own thing’ and not placing any thoughts on God til, say, your bedtime and you make your ‘obligatory’ prayer. Its easy to forget.

There was a lot of chatter and even laughter around me. I was glad we had chosen a less populated area – it felt embarrassing to cry after 2 years. I said some words to Vern – which was silly really, cos he’s not really there. I dont like the photo of him there very much now…it looks very painted and artificial. Not his handsomest.There were some fly away ashes scattered about his place – maybe someone got cremated that day. No, wait thats ridiculous – its probably from the chinese cemetery next door to the Christian one.

As I left the place, I saw another woman sitting by herself. Her eyes were red rimmed and I saw that she was facing a young man (born 1979, departed 2007) – so 4 years later and of course, tears still roll – especially for those who passed on at a young age – here one day, gone the next.

Dont waste your days on earth, do good, make your life count. To my Christian friends – lets try to do more for God.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday Vernie

1 year has rolled around since Vern’s last birthday memorial. Vernie would have turned 18 today. The tears flowed for a bit yesterday again – how we miss Vernie and his lame jokes and noisy guitar….wished i had found new pictures to share here but….the pictures have run out…its just memories now…

 

Mum at Vernie's grave today

 

Some messages to Vernie on his FB:

Lim Yu Jeen Time passes quickly when you don’t think about it. Indeed you’ve gone for a while now. Things have settled. But always remember we think of you, we miss you and we love you. Even if time stretches thin and we no longer feel the pain, engraved in us is the memory of you. So dear brother, wishing you the very best with God in heaven. Happy 18th Birthday to you! ^_^

Toh Yu Jin Oooo Vern! Happy Birthday buddy!!! Man, you’re legal now! Bet you’re pump about it! Ha Love and miss you buddy! Have an awesome one in heaven! Whoop Whoop! Less than three ♥
ps: I’m getting better in guitar now! Oh yeah you bet I am. 😀

Lau Xue Liang Vern, today is your big day and can do legal stuff de. Every time i went eat jelly, it always let me think of you. still remember the days you keep calling me for jelly? i miss it so much.. Vern, you are the person i respect the most, wish you have a blast on your biggest day in heaven. Cheers!! =)

Sophira Chong Hayashi Vernosuke So i’ll blow out a little candle just for you. Happy birthday, V! Miss you. I wonder, would you celebrate up there? 😮

Bryan Lai Hey Vern. It’s been a long time. A Happy happy birthday to you = D We all still think and talk about you. No one can replace the fun and joy you add to our little group. We all miss you.

Zoé Ng Omg , I almost forgot today ): Hi you . 18 already ! Omg , that sound so old , when I think about it .
I miss you so much !! Did you know that Hayashi also means woods ? 😛 Haha , I learnt it with Bry in class today . That Japanese lunch sounds really good right now :/ ♥♥♥

Win Ern LeehomAddict Heyy, vern.
It’s been so long.
Missing you lots here.
Are the angels taking good care of you? 🙂
Yiching Ong How fast time flies.. I will be honest and say that I actually forgot today until I saw my notifications. but that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten you.
Happy Birthday, Verniepoo. ♥
I will most definitely be wearing your tee all day in college later. =)
Danielle Tong ‎: Vern, Happy 18th Birthday! I want you to know that deep inside our heart, we miss you dearly and thought of you at times. Hopefully you could hear and see us from up above! 🙂

There are many meanings and ways a person grieves – the death of a loved one, the death of a loved pet, the death of a relationship, the death of love, the death of a belief you always held close to your heart – which all passed away leaving you wounded, empty, sorrowful and even tortured.

I learned that life’s lessons are hard, painful at times and that only time can heal. Of course, healing is accelerated when you surrender all to the Lord and put all your trust in Him. The human mind is such a whirlwind of thoughts and imagination and the heart complements all that with emotion. So alot can be going on in your mind at any one time. Of late, my emotions have taken a roller coaster ride and I’m not sure how to tame it.

Grieving is a process but the bible says, the Lord comforts those who grieve.

Dear Vern,

You are Uncle Vern now – makes you sound so old isnt it? Little Jade Jade wont know you in this lifetime but I will tell her about you and show her your pictures…it will be awhile until she understands. I know you are doing well in heaven and like the song says…no sorrows, no suffering….

we love you

we miss you

we’ll see you soon.

Tears as fresh as yesteryear

Today my brother Jeen wrote this on Vernie’s facebook wall:

Now that I’m alone, I do wish you were around to bug me or say I am boring, or play your little online games til the wee mornings. Or when I open my eyes to check if you’re still playing the PS. Or when I tell you to go to bed. Or to hear you playing the guitar as softly as possible in the other room (although it seems… you’re playing loudly). The silence reverberates and I can only hear my echoes.

It seems like ages since Vernie was here last – but our tears are as fresh as yesteryear. Next month’s is Vernie’s Birthday, he would have turned 18. It would be cool if Ronnie and I could buy him an iPad for this year’s birthday. Its been awhile since I had Vern-tears but as I learned along the way, the tears never dry up and comes quickly when I allow my mind to drift and remember him.

It gets harder to look at his pictures. I still daren’t open the Vern Pictures folder. Its been a while.

And when I do, its like an electricity jolt – it was as if the brain had shut down in Vern-zone memories and suddenly had been rudely revived. You remember that Vern and his antics were once here on earth, just alittle over a year ago.

We miss you Vernie – you and your lame jokes and riddles – don’t think we forgot about you.

Notes to Vern

I was surfing FB today and linked up to Vernie’s page. I wondered if anyone else remembered Vern’s first memorial. Looks like he is still in everyone’s thoughts. Its so nice to know that everyone remembers him and leaves him little notes on his FB. Some of his friends have put down lovely words and meaningful ones apt of young teenagers.

Irwin Tan Dude… 1 year already man…. still miss ya… =)
i bet your sure rocking with the fairies and angels now… haha

Sophira Chong Like simple things you can’t see, but are heartfelt- You’re here with us somehow, Hayashi Vernosuke. I still miss you. And I always will.

Julian Chin Time flies, it has already been a year without you around. It still impacts me that there is no chance to see you again in this lifetime but, I still believe you are here with us. In our memories and our hearts. Truly, whenever I think back it always reassures me what a great friend you have been to me and so many othe…r people.

It is unfair that you had to leave so that we may learn the value of life and friendship.So here is to you, I hope to see you again.

Cheers,
Julian Chin

Terry Lai It’s about time.. Feels like years have passed, sorry to say. I still think about you though, especially when I see a nice bike, ahaha. Thanks for the ever present reminder of our own mortality and of the value of true friends.. Life truly is short. It’s sad that this had to happen to serve as a wake up call.

Of all our… friends, I have always thought of you as the indestructible one. Life’s odd.
See you in a couple of hours mate. Lots of love and missing you dearly.

Yewy Ong Its been a Year, and Im sure the years to come will fly by.. I miss you Hayashi Vernosuke your friendship was priceless and will always be treasured.

Sue Ann Missing you, Vern. ♥

Toh Yu Jin Yu vern! Guess what? I’m getting better in guitar!!! Muahaha! Well..not really..You must be laughing at me right now..Lol. But it’s okay! You know what..Some day I’m gonna be as good as you! Someday! Probably like..100 years later..!! Heeee! Love and miss you always! 🙂

Sophira Chong VEEEEE. I just got back from Suju omg. I was wishing you were there but come to think of it, you were–in my thoughts. It was awesome. I wonder if you saw it from up there ;D
Missing you, always!

Vernie’s 1st Anniversary Memorial

A year on earth is probably a passing second in Heaven. We miss you Vern!

Its May 30th, 2010 – exactly a year from Vern’s passing. Numerous people have asked me how I felt about the approaching first anniversary of my brother Vernie’s death.

I was planning the content of my blog post today regarding Vern’s first memorial and braved delving into Pandora’s box once again – his picture treasure trove, for today’s post.

The sordid details of the day after Vern’s accident is still very fresh in my mind. But they are memories that I squeeze into the smallest, darkest, locked corner of my mind, to which the key is dangling in the keyhole. A small twist of the key may open all the skeletons in that closet and come tumbling out, so I have to be careful with it.

I hadn’t given his first memorial anniversary date much thought –  everyday that Vern is not here is the same to me, not just today. I, however, refuse to be sad, teary eyed or depressed today even though there is an unexplained heaviness in my heart today.

The reasons we should rejoice today is because God has called us back to him and the past year has been filled with small and wonderful miracles that tells me that God is real. And that we will most definitely see Vern in heaven one day.

To share

Someone stumbled upon my blog recently and put in a long comment in one of my older posts which I am sharing here. This is one of the main hopes I have for my blog, hoping that people can share their feelings and thoughts about lost loved ones, motivating me to keep on blogging!

Sue-Ann,

While drifting among some of the older posts on my own blog, one of the “Possibly related posts” at the bottom took me to this entry. I read this post, read the previous one, watched the movie it linked to, and immediately, my cheeks were soaked in tears.

This past September, I lost one of the closest friends I’ve ever had, my senior year University roommate. We had been apart for only a few short months after I had gone back home to Canada following graduating, but we planned to meet again for some South-East Asian adventures this year (I had taken a teaching job in Singapore, where I’m currently at). At least that was our plan–fate had different plan when he fell in a Mountaineering accident on 23 September, 2009.

Though Eliot is gone, he lives on in all those he touched; it sounds like Vern is doing the same in yourself and all those he knew. I feel you understand my thoughts when I say, “I don’t know ‘why’ I’m saying this…” When I read your entries, touching on the deep love and sense of loss for your brother, it woke up those same feelings I’ve had, but have been hiding as of late deep down inside. The grieving process ebbs and flows, and this was just a part of the cycle. Your words let me have a good cry, one of those cries that lets a little bit of the hurt go. But this cry wasn’t just for Eliot–this was also for Vern, and for you.

If this brings back hurt and pain, I’m sorry, but I wanted to let you know that your beautiful, passionate words struck a chord, as if they touched my soul. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Sure, I lost a dear friend, but I can’t imagine what I would feel if I lost my own brother. But, I wanted you to know that your thoughts have just helped me move a little bit further forward with my own grieving. My deepest sympathies to you and your family, but also the sincerest of thanks for warming my heart with the love you’ve spoken of.

-will

Thanks Will for your comment and yes it does give some level of comfort that grief is a very widespread feeling among many people (although everyone deals with it differently). I do worry that sometimes it lurks at the bottom on our thoughts and in our minds and hearts and will one day surface with a mighty roar and pop there you go into depression. It takes some effort to constantly steer yourself or block out the memories and sorrowful thoughts each time you think of your lost loved one. Tears still well up in my eyes when I look at Vern’s picture and Pandora’s box is opened each time I go into Vern’s picture file on my laptop (which is not frequent nowadays). But each time the sorrow comes back I turn to God and everything is better again – do you have God in your lives?


Memories of Vern

Hi everyone….I just viewed the video “Memories of Vern” done by my brother Jeen – it brought on the ‘torrential rains’ (again!).

Just to share, its on youtube linked here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmUOsgIuYAY

We miss you Vern

Vern Vern Vern…

Its been too long. Too long. Too long to start off my February blog post and return from hiatus with a sorrowful air.

I just opened “Pandora’s Box” again at the risk of tears rolling and whaddaya know? The tears are rolling. Stupid Facebook reminded me again about Lim Yu Vern’s page, so I thought I’d leave a message for him there. Looking at his pictures I feel its too long since we last spoke, since we last heard his voice and saw his silly antics. I have to wait what seems like a lifetime before we meet again. I can imagine him making friends in heaven with other kids that have passed away…maybe the 17 year old boys from the Dragonboat tragedy. It helps to imagine this stuff…it makes me feel better thinking he is making himself at home there and doing all kinds of stuff he never got to do on earth.

Our wedding has passed and Vern wasn’t there – physically, at least. But somehow I get the feeling he knows whats going on with his family and friends down here, from up there.

If I were to let myself ‘go’…I would rail and wail and wring my hands and say…Oh Vern, why did you go??? So fast, so cruelly, you were gone. You are gone, but the pain stays.

But no, I’ve got a tight rein on my emotions – publicly at least. I can empathise with the dragonboat tragedy kids’ family. Just another day, just another outing, nothing to bat your eyelashes at, no hint at all that your life and world will be changed forever, and that horrible day is forever etched in your mind. Luckily, it only rears it’s ugly head when I let the guard down.

No Vern, you never will be forgotten – maybe only pushed to the back of the conscious mind due to our human defense mechanism. I hope you havent grown too much in heaven into a man already – how will you be by the time we meet again? Will we pick up where we left off? Will you be the Vern we know and more…?

See you in my dreams Vern….

The young boy

Are all young boys innocent? Now, I mean that in an ‘innocent’ way, not in the perverted manner.

I caught a lift today in Pavilion shopping mall and as usual, let the others out of the lift before I went in, and as I walked in, the doors closed so quickly and hit my left wrist right smack on my watch. It hurt alittle and I was alittle peeved to see who closed the doors on me. A young boy muttered “Sorry! Sorry!” and sank to the back of the lift.

I nursed my wrist a while and looked at him. I noticed the boy was very young and skinny – approximately 16 or 17 years old. Not very tall, not taller than I was. He was dressed in sales assistant clothes, the typical black slacks, white shirt, tie and name tag. The one thing I noticed quickly was that he had a hairlip or cleft lip.

He looked abit scared – maybe because I was looking at him. His hairstyle was typical of a teenager, and he had small chinese eyes. I thought: this could have been my brother. I asked him “You work here?” He nodded. I asked him where? He answered ‘Parkson’ quite abruptly. I smiled at him, in case he thought i was about to scold him. He didnt really look me much in the eye, and he looked rather nervous. I was so preoccupied that I missed my floor – I didnt recognise it.

The lift opened at the foodcourt level and he rushed out abit like a scuttling rabbit. I followed him out – since I was there, I wanted to get fruit juice. I spied him out of the corner of my eye…he walked away very fast and disappeared. From the back, he really could have been my brother….but one thing about Vern – even if he was scared a stranger spoke to him alone in a lift, he would not let it show, in fact, he would prolly give his best “i’m tough, dont mess with me” look even though he was nervous inside.

tears again welled up in my eyes. my emotions sometimes get the better of me. But i cast it out in Jesus’s name and told myself…Vern has gained – and instantly I felt better.

I found a few new old pictures of Vern yesterday while sorting through old pics for our wedding childhood montage.

CNY 2008

Vern CNY 2008 - 15.5 years old

Simple Vern

Stone faced Vern. This would be the face he would use in the Lift today.

When he doesnt want to be photographed...

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